Tweed Is Not For Sex Gods
by alatariel-gildaen
Summary: Tonks decides Lupin needs a makeover. Who better to give it to him than her?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: These characters don't belong to me, and I'm not making any money out of it.  
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"This is an absolutely ridiculous idea Tonks."

"That's very easy for you to say, Remus, but you're not the one who has to be seen out in public with you."

Remus opened his mouth to point out the very obvious flaw in her statement. Before he could she cut him off. "Besides, no-one should be wearing tweed at your age."

"I happen to like tweed. It's very practical. Very hard wearing."

"And it makes you look about fifty. Just trust me. I know what I'm doing."

"Fine," he sighed, resigning himself to the worst. For some time Tonks had been trying to persuade him to allow her to give him a 'makeover.' He had adamantly protested against it for many weeks, but his resolve had been slowly weakened as her enthusiasm for the idea had grown.

"Yes!" she squealed, running up to him, throwing her arms around his neck and planting a very sloppy kiss on his cheek. "I promise that you wont regret this!"

"Hmm. Somehow I'm just not sure I should trust the fashion advice of someone who purposefully puts rips and holes in their jeans." She opened her mouth wide in mock anger, looking utterly scandalised. "But," he added hastily, "I'm a man of my word. I suppose I can't back out now."

"Damn right you can't, mister," she said as she flung the wardrobe door open. "Bloody hell, Remus, do you own anything that isn't either grey or brown?" She turned back to him and noticed that his eyes were flicking towards the door. She crossed her arms over her chest and said in an authoritative voice, "Sit down on the bed, and don't move."

With a slight smile playing at the corner of his lips he sat down on the edge of the bed they shared together and awaited his fate.

She looked at him appraisingly for a few moments, looked back into the wardrobe, then returned her gaze to him before allowing a grin to spread across her features. "Take your clothes off."

He raised an eyebrow. "I beg your pardon?"

"I said take your clothes off. How am I supposed to dress you properly when you're already wearing that stupid suit?"

He examined his own arms, legs and torso. "This is my favourite suit," he said, matter-of-factly.

"Well, you wont be needing it today. Off!" she repeated with a little more force.

Remus stripped down to his underwear and once again perched on the edge of the bed looking extremely nervous.

She rolled her eyes at him. "Ok, step number one of 'How to not be a pensioner.' Wearing a vest is not sexy. Lose it."

"But you can't see it under my clothes. Besides, it keeps me warm."

"Shut up, Mr Practical. I don't care if it's won the Nobel Prize for Literature. It's the sort of thing my Grandad wears and not something my sex-god boyfriend wears. Take it off."

"I hardly think of myself as your 'sex-god' boyfriend."

"That," she replied, with vastly exaggerated patience, "is because you're wearing a vest. Take it off and stand up for me."

Feeling slightly vulnerable he stood before her wearing nothing but his pale blue boxers.

She looked him up and down, frowning slightly before determinedly pulling out her wand and waving it towards his underwear. Immediately they changed; the colour changed from blue to white, the thin cotton became slightly heavier, everything shrunk to become much more figure hugging, the words 'Clavin Klein' were emblazoned across a band at the top.

"Merlin's beard!" gasped Remus as the soft material clamped down around him.

"Turn around," she said, greatly admiring her handiwork. As he did she commented, "Well, I think you've just taken your first step towards sex-godliness. Congratulations."

"Thankyou. I think."

"Ok, next step, trousers."

"Tonks? I don't want you to make me look ridiculous alright?" She had taken his tweed suit and was already beginning to transfigure it into other items of clothing. "And if I'm honest, I'd much prefer it if you'd use something else. I've told you already; that's my favourite suit."

"Not at the moment it isn't," she replied, looking at the jeans, t-shirt and jacket she had transfigured the suit into. Before he could protest she added, "Oh, you'll get it back, don't worry." She gave his hand a reassuring squeeze. "And I'm not going to make you look like a tit either. Just... even better than you usually do." She waved her wand at the jeans, altering them slightly. "Try those."

They fit him extremely well – tighter at the top, slightly flared in the leg. She once again asked him to turn around, and whistled appreciatively at the sight of his pert backside in the tight trousers. "Nice. Very nice."

"They're a little... tight."

"Never mind, eh? You've most certainly taken another step away from pensioner-dom towards god-hood."

She now turned her attention to the grey flannel shirt that she had transfigured into a plain white t-shirt. She She shook her head slightly and waved her wand over it; it instantly became a black, long-sleeved t-shirt with words 'Pearl Jam' across the front in faded red.

"Pearl Jam?" he asked. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Muggle band I like," she replied, holding the shirt up in front of him. "Put it on then." He took it from her feeling highly doubtful. Tonks, on the other hand, looked positively full of glee. "Perfect," she said, her eyes alight. "just a couple of finishing touches"

Remus now noticed that his favourite jacket was no longer a jacket at all, but a short sleeved, retro style shirt. He let out a very deep, heart felt sigh.

"What is it?" asked Tonks as she handed him the shirt.

"You said you weren't going to make me look ridiculous."

"And I'm not. Put this on over the top. You'll look gorgeous, i promise. Oh, and I'll need your shoes. You can't wear old brogues with this, especially ones where the uppers are coming away from the soles." In an instant she handed him a pair of black and white trainers which she assured him were 'adidas classics' and would finish the outfit off perfectly.

Once he was fully dressed she grinned at him. "Wotcher handsome," she laughed, wrapping her arms around his waist. "You look great."

"I'll believe it when I see it," he said moving towards the wardrobe and opening the door in order to look at himself in the full length mirror. He caught his reflection for a few seconds, shook his head and turned away. "Tonks. You've done precisely what I feared. You've made me look like a middle aged man pretending to be a teenager." He sat down heavily on the edge of the bed.

"I suppose you're right, in a way. But I know how to rectify that. I'll have to cut your hair."

"What?!"

"And we're going to have to lose your moustache."

"I don't believe you!"

"Oh, shut up complaining Remus. Trust me!"

"I did, until about five minutes ago. Besides, I've had my moustache for years, you're asking me to shave it off on a pure whim."

"Absolutely. Change is good. That's why you love me so much."

"No."

"Alright, I'll shave it for you."

"No."

Tonks then pulled out her wand. "You're forgetting, Remus John Lupin, that I am an auror. That gives me certain privileges. It also, by default, makes me one of the most powerful witches in the country. Do you really want to make me ask you again?"

He threw his arms up in the air. "Alright! Alright! You win!" She squealed again and started dancing round the room. "But there's really no need for you to celebrate your victory quite like that. I find it quite obscene." He was only half serious, a smile had reappeared in the corner of his mouth.

Five minutes later he emerged from the bathroom, sans moustache. He kept running his fingers over his top lip. "I feel really quite naked. I hope you're proud."

"Very," she said, than added in an undertone, "And don't worry, the naked bit comes later."

"What, when you've finished torturing me?"

"If that's how you like to call it, then yes."

"Ok, hurry up and finish then," he said, marveling at how the young witch was able to bring out the Marauder in him that he thought had died years ago.

"Oooh, being impatient now, are we?" She ran her fingers through his hair, than said very definitely. "Ok, the first thing that has to go is the side parting. It does you no favours at all."

She placed a cutting charm on his hair, making him worry as he saw the amount that was falling down around his shoulders and on to the floor. "What's that stuff?" he asked as he noticed she was dunking her fingers in to what looked like a tub of mucus.

"Just a bit of wax," she said with no extra explanations, leaving Remus feeling highly dubious. A couple of minutes later she stood back from her creation and called out, "Ta-da!"

Nervously Remus stood up and crossed to the mirror. He was pleasantly surprised at what he saw. His hair was now, she assured him, cut in a style that she labelled as 'choppy.' It made a great deal of difference to his face, making him look several years younger. "Well?" she asked him, her voice full of expectation.

He smiled at her. "Alright. You win. But the clothes are ridiculous. I want my suit back."

"You still don't like the clothes? Well, the only solution I see is to get you out of them as quickly as possible."

"That," he said, with a look of genuine relief, "is the best idea you've had all day!"


	2. Chapter 2

Within five minutes the offending articles were back to their original state, neatly hung up in the wardrobe. Their owner was neatly tucked up in bed. He loved being the first one under the covers – the feel of the clean, uncreased sheets against him was a far cry from the rumpled mess the bed would inevitably turn into when she joined him and started fidgeting. Not that he would rather have slept alone, but he certainly appreciated the few moments he could gain in an untwisted bed.

In the meantime, for his extra pleasure, she had insisted on continuing his instruction on what constitutes sexiness by slowly stripping for him. It wasn't going exactly according to plan, and hadn't been since she'd got her head stuck in her t-shirt. It had got decidedly worse when in an effort to remove her jeans gracefully she tripped over her own feet and landed flat on her face, the jeans still hanging around her ankles.

"Are you ok?" he asked, trying to suppress his own laughter.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine," she said as she untangled herself from her own clothes.

"So....." he said, now barely hiding his laughter, "Is this what I have to do to be sexy in your eyes?"

"Oh, shut up."

"Nice knickers, by the way," he smirked as he indicated her white cotton pants with little cartoon Hippogriffs all over them.

"Ok mister, I'm going to choose to ignore those last two comments, if you don't mind," she said as she regained her feet.

"Sorry," he laughed. "Please, carry on."

She started slowly swaying her hips from side to side as she reached behind her and awkwardly fumbled with the clasp of her bra for a few seconds before finally undoing it and allowing it to fall at her feet.

At that precise moment there was a knock at the door. Molly Weasley's voice sounded in the room. "Remus? Are you in here?"

"Just one moment, Molly," he called back.

Tonks, stood in nothing but her knickers looked horrified. Not that their relationship was secret or anything, but Molly was possibly the most indiscreet person in the world when it came to sex; she liked nothing more than gossiping about other people's love lives, and walking in on them like this would provide her with fuel for conversation for the next ten years.

Silently Remus mouthed the word 'wardrobe' to her. When she was hidden inside with the door closed, he called, "Come in."

"Remus, dear, have you s-" She stopped abruptly when she saw him. "Goodness! You look.... lovely, dear," she said, obviously flustered. Her face was turning a definite pink, and her eyes strayed from his new haircut, to his bare chest and finally came to rest on Tonks' discarded bra lying on the floor. "I hope I wasn't interrupting something?"

"Not at all, Molly," he said pleasantly. "I was just getting ready for bed. How can I help you?"

"Have you seen Tonks? She's needed downstairs."

"Erm..." His eyes flickered momentarily to the wardrobe she was hiding in. "Is it important?"

"Dumbledore's here, and he needs her to give a report on the new security measures taken out at Azkaban."

There was a brief pause during which Remus bit meditatively on his bottom lip. He smiled rather sheepishly before admitting, "She's in the wardrobe."

A sudden crash coming from the old piece of furniture drew their immediate attention. Out toppled Tonks, still wearing her Hippogriff cotton pants but covering her modesty by wearing none other than Remus' favourite jacket. As she fell out she managed to drag with her half the wardrobe's contents. She scrabbled to her feet, and with only the slightest flicker of embarrassment, as if hiding in a wardrobe wearing only a pair of knickers and an over-sized, patched tweed jacket was an everyday occurrence.

"Downstairs is he, Molly?" she asked the stunned, red-haired woman whose mouth was hanging open. When Molly nodded back she walked straight past her towards the door. "Right. I'll be back up in a bit, Remus." She shot him a look that would have turned milk sour.

Actually, Remus, you'll need to come too. You are, after all, in the Order." She turned back to Tonks and ushered her out of the door. "Come on dear."

Remus, meanwhile, had been stitched up double in silent laughter, biting on his fist in an attempt to stop himself bursting into hysterics, the effort of which was causing tears to run down his cheeks. As soon as he had calmed down he dressed as quickly as possible, not wanting to miss out on a moment of his girlfriend's poetic justice.

The meeting would have been just about bearable for her – at first it was only herself, Remus, Molly and Arthur, and Dumbledore present. Arthur nearly choked when he saw the young Auror was wearing so little to an official meeting, but Dumbledore, serene as ever, hardly seemed to notice. Soon, however, they were joined by Mundungus, who was making no secret of leaning back in his chair to get a better view of her nearly bare behind, and who only stopped when he received a swift kick in the shins from Remus, and Shacklebolt, who asked in his slow, calm voice if this was a new regulation uniform that all ministry Aurors would soon be adopting. Within minutes Bill and Fleur joined the group, Bill grinning appreciatively as he was the first to realise that one of the buttons on Tonks' jacket had come undone and she was quite clearly wearing nothing underneath, Fleur shrieking her disapproval at how unrefined English women were these days. Fred and George, now old enough to be in the order apparated in soon after, and within minutes had charmed the Hippogriffs on her pants to move and squawk very loudly at five minute intervals. To top it all off Snape was the next person to come in, and spent the entire evening sneering at her and making snide remarks about her lack of focus – if she couldn't dress properly for a simple meeting what use could she possibly be to the Order? Only when she changed her appearance to his and refused to change back until he stopped his comments did he mutter a half hearted apology.

As the meeting came to end, Tonks was one of the first to slip out, and Remus followed her soon behind. Back in their bedroom Tonks rounded on him. "Thankyou very much for the single most humiliating evening of my life. I hope you're satisfied, buddy."

Still unable to fully contain his laughter, Remus replied, "Completely satisfied. I'd say we're pretty much even now."

"Don't be so bloody calm, I'm trying to be angry with you!" she said, although she, too, was having a great deal of difficulty in not laughing,

"Do you know how absolutely ludicrous you look?"

"I can imagine. I don't want to see for myself thankyou."

"Then we'd better get you out of those clothes then," he laughed, echoing their earlier conversation.

"So, we both agree on one thing then?" she said, a smile playing about her lips, and a sparkle in her eyes.

"Oh yes, and what's that?" he asked as he slid his jacket off her shoulders.

"We both look far better out of that thing than we do in it!"


End file.
